sorry about my last entry.

super super emo.

i saw charlie and the chocolate factory last night.
and i always fall in love with johnny depp when he plays weird characters.
which is like..always.
but especially this one, edward scissor hands, and i was all about his grungy look in pirates of the caribbean.

anyways.

so that cheered me up a bit
as well as rob calling me halfway through the movie.

i always freak out about the things i say to him - like..
is it the right thing to say?
i feel like if i mess up its all over with.
which is really really stupid.
because, first of all - he's got a bad memory. well, only when he's drunk.
like the whole phone sex thing episode, was a drunk night.
he forgot all about it.
so i'm scott free on that one.
and second of all
fuck
he's gonna have to find out sometime that i'm a freak.
well, he knows i'm a freak
i'm not scared about him finding out about that
i think i'm scared to let him see how emotional i am.
but, he's gonna find out anyways sooner or later.
i just hope he's not like
lighten up, jesus (that was said in napolean in my head)
or
you're way too sensitive for me.

plain and simple, i shouldn't be scared about anything.
if he's gonna love me, he's gonna love me.
if he's not, he's not.

its just hard because
being with rob is something that i've wanted for a long time.
but i'm changing
i'm changing
i'm changing

and i'm realizing its NOT the end of the world
if i don't end up with the guy.

because there are so many other guys out there.
that will appreciate my sensitivity
my romantics
my humor
and accept the many faults i have. ha.

(its funny. i tell myself all this crap
i write it down
hoping it will change the way i feel
and give me some confidence.
but it really really doesn't always work)

being optomistic is hard
when you've had so many people let you down.
and THAT
is the truth that i deny myself
when shit gets rough.

but i guess denying yourself paranoia
denying yourself the right to cry whenever you feel a little sad
denying yourself of being dependant on those three simple words..
denying yourself the option of giving up
is what makes you strong.

and thats what i'm aiming for.
to be
strong.
and actually back up the shit i tell myself
and i tell other people.

because i like the surge of power i feel
knowing i am in control
and feeling
like i am on top of the world.

what do i want?
i want to actually be able
to get what i want.

what do i want?
i want to know.
everything.

what do i want?
to finally be HAPPY with
who
i
am.

what do i want?
I want to figure out
exactly
who
i
am.

what do i really want?
to make an impact on others.
change the world.
and be revered
as someone great.
fuck that

i want TO BE someone great.

because we all know
that perception is not reality
when you're good at fooling people.

well, obviously the red states don't know that
ha HA

had to throw some hatebush shit up in this entry.

and on that note
i think i'm going to smoke a bowl on my porch
and admire the fact that i am alive
and i have the oppurtunity
to want.